Chocolate Jesus

Mom?

2012-01-15T20:05:00.000-08:00

This was undoubtably the strangest conversation via text message that I've ever had. It doesn't need much prequel. All you have to know is that my parents were first asking me to go to Jimmy's on Sunday morning(awesome), then later that day, sending me real-time pictures/correspondence of their trip that they finally took to the Strip Club steak house that I bought them for Christmas last year.

Let the shit-olympics begin...

Shotty McHotty!

2011-12-27T09:54:00.000-08:00

I've always said, if I bought a house, I'm getting a shotgun to go with it. As far as crime is concerned, I've always lived in pretty nice areas, so I can only attribute this desire to being a male child borne of 80's movies and television. This is most evident in the before and after photos of said Remington 870.

Before.

After!

I'm fully aware of how unnecessary this modification is. Perhaps it will make more sense when I'm done slapping shit onto it.

Whoa-ly WHAT?

2011-11-01T18:05:00.000-07:00

Take a good, hard look at this crap sandwich...

I don't know if you're seeing this correctly, but that is a 16 oz probiotic coconut drink being sold at Lund's for $10.99.

That's ten dollars and 99 cents... American.

OK, I get it. Lund's is a nice, clean store that makes white people like myself feel special about themselves by offering flattering lighting, and the occasional short haired carpet(minus any stains). I go there, mostly because it's close, and they do have good(overpriced) produce.

That said, what in the holy fuck is this price point about? And the label? Not only does it apparently offer no special reason to purchase it, but it moves to the baffling side of the universal order when it declares that "Children Love the Taste"!!! This is Northeast Minneapolis, for christ's sake, not the Hamptons. I haven't seen anyone around these parts so flush with cash that they want to feed their walking garbage disposals something that costs $.60 an oz when they would be perfectly happy with some shitty juice concentrate.

Tomorrow, I shop at Rainbow. I'm sure I'll be late for work because of it.

I'm still alive

2011-10-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I blogged. Whatever. I've been busy buying(and moving into) a house, and searching out this fucking Antelope head to stick on my wall. Suffice it to say, that's all the excuse I need.

I love my phone.

2011-06-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

There, I said it. Not so much for the phone part of it. That's cool and all, but the camera is just becoming more fun than it should be. I'm starting to feel like I'm cheating on my girlfriend. I mean, I have a $5000 camera that is sitting there... and that's it. I mean, sure, I've shot a couple editorial things as of late with it. I also did some tabletop work with it. Great. Glad I can rely on it for that kind of stuff. I did it's job, and it did it admirably.

That said, when it comes to the pure fun of taking pictures, the fucking iPhone 4 camera is just out of hand. Actually, it's mostly the combination of the apps that I use that give it the quality I want, and the order and degree in which I use them, but still...

Anyway, here is some new work taken with it. And I don't use the term 'work' lightly. Mine and other's is woking it's way into portfolios everywhere.

Prick

2011-06-03T17:12:00.000-07:00

Have you ever opened an app on your phone(think Wikipedia, Google, Shazaam, etc), and been completely and totally amused at what you were last searching information on? I spend a good deal of time talking shit at bars so trust me, it happens to me all the time.

This one stood tall amongst the rest for me, though...

I have to ask myself, what conversation was I in that this term even needed defining, and what led up to said conversation? Was I in an argument with an linguistically savy whoreson/cocksucker/SOB, and wanted to double-check my terminology before I whipped insults at him? Makes sense, because I can't think of many things more embarrassing than insulting someone, only to have them bitch-slap you with your own misused words.

I guess I'll never know...

Gaddafi

2011-05-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

By the looks of it, dude, you're already dead.

Kickin' Ass for MS

2011-05-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

Most people already know this, but I'm running in the Minnesota Mud Run for MS. Actually, there is a post below somewhere that explains what it is and why I'm doing it, if you really give a shit. The reason I'm writing this, though, is for a different reason. Check out this screenshot here...

This is the homepage of Minnesota's Mud Run. As you can see on the bottom right, I am speed-bagging the rest of Minnesota's competitors in the realm of fund raising. In fact, there is only one team of dumb, drunk chicks ahead of me*. The beauty of the position that I hold as #1 fund raiser in MN is that, unlike most who trail me, my contributions have come from many, and in small amounts. I'm the Barack Obama of fundraising, if you will. The dark horse, who's ability to fund raise can be measured in direct relation to how effective and persistent I am in the areas of peer-pressure and ambiguous, underhanded threats.

I'd like to take this time to say thank you, again, to the heros that have thus far come forth and pledged for MS. Unless, that is, you pledged to someone other than me... then you're a terrorist.

*I have no evidence to support the claim that these women are dumb. Or drunk. Or even women, actually. I just said that because it was funny.

Easter Suit

2011-05-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

In what has become one of my favorite reoccuring Spring time rituals, the Leisure Suit once again made its Easter appearance.

For 7 of the last 8 Easters, this suit has made Minneapolis a better place to have fun. A better place to raise children. A better place to call home. If you were lucky enough to witness it this year, then you're welcome. If not, it'll be out next year, and it's up to you if you want to bathe in it's glorious rays of lime-green sunshine.

Someone squish it!

2011-04-29T19:28:00.000-07:00

I don't pay attention to the Royal Family. They embarrass me, and I'm not English. But still, a guy with internet access couldn't help but know what just went down, and even a little about it.

I guess I thought I knew enough. Now I'm not so sure. This photo changed everything.

Look, I get it. They're called Blue Bloods for a reason. Over the years, there has been a lot of tolerance to making sex with members of their own family. This causes problems, health and otherwise. And, when I say otherwise, I mean the miniature troll on the right flank of the former Miss Middleton. Oh my god is she ugly. She looks like she was squeezed out of a tube. I know that flowery halo thing is for decoration and all, but I'm imagining that it is a magic head-collar that is the only thing that keeps her from changing back into her natural state of full-fledged werewolf.

Post #200!

2011-04-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

Jesus. I was surprised enough to just have the fortitude to make it to 100 posts, but 200? This might get in the way of my aspirations of becoming a lazy ass bitch.

I know that I haven't posted shit lately, but nothing exciting has happened in my life and I respect the 4 people who will read this enough that I didn't want to bore them by jabbering on with a bunch of crap that wasn't in the least bit interesting. It was my slow season, after all, as it seemingly was for the rest of Minneapolis' residents. I guess I could have posted photos of me reading the paper and watching The Price Is Right at Jimmy's, but that kind of thing is usually better experienced.

I did take this photo on a job a few weeks ago.

I don't know. I thought it was funny.

Hair, did.

2011-03-31T07:31:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason, our kitchen has become the surrogate place to get your hair cut/colored when you can't make it in to see Nell at her place of work. Which works great for me, because I love cleaning hair off my cutting boards.

I've turned into that guy!

2011-03-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

I remember a day(not that far gone by) that I would see people on the street, arm extended out in front of their body, cell phone in hand. They were taking a photograph, and I would watch with my usual scorn. "That isn't a flipping camera", or "Another photo that will never make it off the LCD panel". You get my drift.

Now I have to look at myself, assuming the same damn position, loving it.

If you want to see more, there is now a whole damn portfolio on my website dedicated to these greazy things. I'm torn over this...

Mud Run, here comes me.

2011-03-01T19:13:00.000-08:00

http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/General/MNMGeneralEvents?px=9009294&pg=personal&fr_id=17063

This is the dirty link to what promises to be a dirty, dirty time for me. Along with some of the people that I kettlebell with, I am signed up for the MS Mud Run in September. It's for science, Multiple Sclerosis to be exact. You, and anyone you know, can pledge money to me via the link and help me reach my very modest goal of $400.

Actually, if you really want to help, you could just run the shit for me, because it is no joke. I've talked to 3 people who have ran it already(2 of them ex-Marines), and they have been mentally planning for the run since it kicked their ass last year. These are people in much better shape than myself. It's time to get to work.

Oh, that looks nice...

More frickin' storms.

2011-02-22T19:27:00.000-08:00

I'm haven't been too hot on winter or snow since I was a downhill skier, and that's been a while. Think florescent clothes and those stupid hats that have ear flaps dangly things coming from the ears and top... that long.

Anyway, if it's coming down, you might as well try and enjoy it.

V-Day in the Castle!

2011-02-19T05:50:00.000-08:00

I almost couldn't believe when my special lady told me the news. "I got us a reservation at White Castle for Valentine's Day." she said somewhat sheepishly. "Is that OK?"

Is it?!? I've wanted to go to that place on Valentine's Day since I found out they were doing said day's celebration, and I found out about it LONG before I had any business going out with a woman on Valentine's Day.

In the past month, I've found that many people weren't aware of White Castle's decades old Valentine's Day hoopla. Allow me. They close the restaurant's eat-in area for those without reservations(which, btw, fill up about 2 months ahead of time). They break out the white linen table cloths, candles, candies, and shitty(but appropriate) decorations. They even have a hostess and servers, though I still chose to get up and fill up my own mini ketchup cups.

The menu is unchanged, as is the look on my face when I eat more than 2 or 3 of those things, not to mention the onion chips and whatever that fish sandwich was that made it onto our tray by accident.

G-Ma hits 94!

2011-02-03T13:51:00.000-08:00

I don't want to brag or anything, but I have the best Grandma in the world. She is the complete and total shit. I mean, I don't intend to sound overly dramatic, but my Grandma could beat up your Grandma. Seriously. She is 100% Polish. Do you even know what that means? It means get the hell out of the way because this place is crap, and she's here to pick up the pieces.

We did some of the usual on our tour of Northeast today. The Modern, Surdyk's, Reddy Meats. I threw a new one in there for her, though, Rewind. She loved it. She always does. See, my Grammy is probably the ultimate tour guide when it comes to this area. Not only does she know where all the iconic places are, she has some dirt on the families that actually started the businesses. Christ, she slapped ol' man Mayslack in the face as well as tell ol' man Jax to go to hell(in Polish) to fend off their advances. It's totally understandable, though, as she was completely stunning in her 20's.

Wow.

NE Kettlebellin'

2011-01-21T08:24:00.000-08:00

Over the last 4 months, some of you may have noticed some things about me. My predisposition to wince and whine when touched, my increased tendency to limp, the difficulty I may have negotiating stairs, as well as my occasional inability to bend over. It's no coincidence that that is almost precisely the amount of time that I have been working out at NE Kettlebells.

Now, I'm not new to working out. In fact, I was on a steady diet of push-ups and pull-ups(as well as busy-season style work) before I came to my first class. I've been a member of a few clubs in my time, all of which were a total waste of time and money. Anyway, I thought I would assimilate into this whole training thing without much of a glitch.

I've come to appreciate being enlightened as to just how fucking stupid that I can be. This was one of those times, and these are some of the people that have had the pleasure of watching me in what can sometimes be described as torture... that I pay $85/month for.

Even as I sit here with sore quads(again), I can honestly say that, physically, I feel better now than I can ever remember. This is a hard-style studio, and the sweat/callouses/pain/soreness are all just avenues to a back that has NO pain, and shoulders that struggle not. I would recommend this training to anyone, though not like it's done at Lifetime or LA fitness or wherever.

Go here.

www.NEKettlebells.com

1029 at Cristmas

2010-12-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

According to the manager I talked to, it takes 8 of their employees 6 hours to decorate this place for the holidays. Thats 48 man hours according to my shitty Columbia Heights math. The place is best described as the result of Christmas vomiting all over the place.

Speaking of puke, here's Cory in his usual holiday garb, holding it down for the rest of us sinners.

Clubbing

2010-12-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

I am now in a league at the St. Paul Curling Club. What does this mean? It means I'm a card-carrying member of said club. A club member, or a 'Club Man' you might say. Time to amend my wardrobe and make shitty my attitude so I can look the part. If you see a dude in a tweed sportcoat driving a Honda Fit while smoking a pipe and looking for real estate in the Kenwood neighborhood, say hi! Actually, don't say anything... I don't fraternize with your type.

Pit Bull?

2010-12-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

I guess the only thing more absurd than a friend buying me a 40oz is that there is a company out there actually producing this particular variety of 40oz.

This would be even more funny than it already is if I didn't think that this company was dead serious. It just so damn corny! I mean, the fucking Pit Bull is wearing a fat gold chain with a diamond-encrusted 'PB'!. And, he's behind a chain-link fence to boot! And what the hell is 'High Gravity Ice Malt Liquor' anyway? In my mind, that means that in order to construct a malt liquor that is this kick-ass(and enables you to kick ass), that the scientists behind the Pit Bull brand had to come up with a special machine that defies our conventional form of gravity. Only within the bowels of this 'High Gravity' supermachine will you discover the utopian conditions necessary to deliver a product worthy of this label. I think I'll save it for Christmas day.

On a side note, that is indeed a piece of Spam in a ziplock bag on the left. It's the supreme food pairing with Pit Bull. I'll probably need more of that on Christmas as well.

Architectural Perfection

2010-12-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

What we have here is a near perfect graham cracker rendition of the Greatest Place in the World.

Now, I can visit said place any time I want without the dishonor of putting on pants!

42 seconds.

2010-11-30T10:43:00.000-08:00

What is the relevance of 42 seconds, you ask? That's how long you have to hang with this video from the starting point to see a squirrel get some justice.

Hey, it's winter. The little bastards are all hiding, so I have to explore different avenues to feed my bloodlust.

NE/331 rant

2010-11-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

This deserved some deliberation...

Obviously, the most stunning part of this letter is it is proof that someone actually does read my blog. I'm guessing they're bored. The author of the letter raises a legitimate question, though, and I will attempt to answer it as sensibly as possible. They want to know why I despise the 331 Bar as much as I do?

The author describes theirself as 'a former nordeaster'(a statement that I'll touch on later), as they lived a couple of blocks from the bar and, presumably, they frequented the place. Fine. I understand that proximity to things tends to alter perception. I'm far enough away from the fucking place thankfully, so allow me to interject some objectivity into this shitty mix.

I could go on for some time about the things I hate about the 331, but I'll focus on two things. The staff, and their complete disregard of tradition.

Look, I like bartenders. Bartenders tend to like me. I get that I'm not the most important thing in their lives, and I appreciate the reasons for surliness, and the quality thereof. There is a difference between being surly because you've earned it over the years and it has become part of you, and being surly because you are in NE and you think it's fashionable. That is just being a fuck-face. That has always been my experience at the 331. And really, Mr. Bartender, how well do you think you're pulling off the surly-guy mode with your stereotypical hipster outfit and a half of a fucking can of hairspray on your goddamn head? You look like a dick, and you tend bar for shit. Now go listen to 89.3, work on your mustache, and fuck off.

There is a bigger reason for why I hate the place, though. About a year or so after they opened, a good friend of mine went in for one of their $5 Bloody Marys one morning. Fair price, indeed. He asked for a beer chaser, and this is where the whole the low shit and high shit systems combined to make a giant fucking shiticane.

They charged him $1 for the snit.

This goes against everything our forefathers have built for us here, and everything that we stand for now. And not just locally, but the entire fucking Midwest. You'll notice that anywhere you go in this country, if you ask for one with your bloody, that there is a good chance that the bartender will guess what part of the country that you're from. THAT'S BECAUSE EVERY BAR IN THE FUCKING MIDWEST GIVES YOU THE CHASER. It's 3 ounces of shitty beer, for christ's sake, and somehow the 331 decides that they are so fucking awesome that that tradition shouldn't apply to them? Unbelievable. Maybe someone has talked some sense into them by now and they realized the error of their ways, but I'm no longer interested. That is a fuck-up so egregious that I could never go back. I can only hope that it gets closed down, but until dudes stop cramming their junk into women's pants and shitty music stops being popular, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Oh, and about that former statement. It's innocent enough now, but know this readers... no actual Northeasters refer to themselves as 'Nordeasters'. That is actually a racist slur that people used to call the Polish immigrants, like my Grammy, who were new to Northeast Minneapolis in the early 1900's. The English language is a motherfucker, and pronouncing things like 'north' is ofter taken for granted. Polish people couldn't easily do it, and their lack of linguistic dexterity was used against them.

Captain Americat!

2010-11-16T13:26:00.000-08:00

HOLY SHIT!

I have a cat running around here somewhere that is scared of nearly goddamn EVERYTHING. If you move too fast, it fucking hides underneath the table. It won't even kill spiders! It just pats them on the back a few times as if to say "Hey little buddy, you're doing a great job with your 8 legs! Keep 'er up!" In the meantime, those alligators are dinosaurs designed to eat that fucking cat and he holds the line without even thinking of retreat.

From now on, I'm having cats around here imported from these swamps. Apparently, they're raising some hard-core felines down there that won't take shit from anyone or anything. I will have a new partner in the battle to get control of the goddamn block back from the squirrels.

***On a side note, I noticed that this cat's escapade of Iron Will was too huge to properly fit into the format of my blog and that it ran off into the sidebar. So be it, Mr. Tuffy, I'm far too intimidated by you to take it down now.

Dashboard Baby

2010-11-14T13:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's snow can suck it. Besides the light it shined upon my bald tires and their need for replacement, it also committed the deleterious act of keeping Dashboard Baby in the dark and without a proper view of the sky(which he/she has become accustomed to).

Where could I ever start with Dashboard Baby? He/She has been with me for over a year and a half now. He/She never complains. He/She always stays on His/Her post. He/She has maintained for me the cleanest dashboard that I've ever seen on a consistent basis, and all he/she asks is that I whip a shitty once and a while.

What's wrong with this?

2010-10-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

I'm going through my busy season as of late, so I haven't rapped about shit because I don't exactly enjoy sitting down for a typing session at my cpu unless it's about squirrels that I've purified. This, though, had to be considered...

Can anyone tell me why in the fuck a dude might need a resealable bag for the 3-pack of tank tops that he just bought for 6 bucks? What am I going to do, wear one for 6 months until it wears out, toss it, and then break out my reserve $2 tank that I've been storing in a moth-resilient form of cryostasis located in my underground clothing bunker? FUCK!

Garden Terrorist Meets Tomato-Eating, American Justice.

2010-09-08T04:43:00.000-07:00

I've said it before, my landlord has gone to great lengths to make one of the most lavish gardens in the neighborhood. Since I have been given the proverbial green light to take food from it, I intend to protect it.

So far this year, these shit-monkeys have kept to their nuts and the trash or whatever. However, I caught this dick doing what they do worst, eating one bite out of a tomato and then discarding the rest.

I'm not going to let some diseased rodent keep me from eating local!

Summers last go.

2010-09-07T19:39:00.001-07:00

RUTABAGA FEST!!! I've only heard the stories of this Cumberland, WI super-extravaganza, but this is the first time I got an opportunity to experience it.

Predictably, we ended up just drinking beer on the dock and going to the bar together...

Has the whole world gone crazy?

2010-08-16T18:25:00.000-07:00

When I heard about this... this campaign... this shitty, shitty advertising campaign... I guess I hoped it was some kind of disgusting and inappropriate joke. It isn't...

http://www.savingsquirrels.com/

This is a website used to promote car shit from a service station that I will NEVER set foot in. If I find out that one of my friends give them money, it's going to be a long, uphill climb before I think that said friend and I could ever really hang out again. Please, I implore you, go somewhere else.

Stack 'em up!

2010-08-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

In just three short days, my residence has been infiltrated by three of these shit faces. The one that got away only did so because I couldn't get the Hammer of Justice reloaded in time before he realized that I just iced his buddy. He dipped into some shitty, rat shelter and I haven't seen him since.

Apparently, the word on the street is that I'm that dude to steal on, that our trees and garden are open game. This can only have one outcome.

Takin' care of shit!

2010-08-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

This asshole was hanging out in my tree like it's the thing to do or something. Wrong tree, shit head, wrong mother-fucking tree.

This may have been my most perfect kill in years. One shot, zero hesitation, straight through a major artery, no suffering. What made it even more romantic is that I did it in between push-up sets. How much macho shit can you take?

A clean kill.

2010-08-06T06:35:00.000-07:00

OK, maybe I watched Avatar one too many times, but it came in handy yesterday.

In what is possibly my nerdiest display of geekdom of my entire life, I ended this thing in style. After knocking him off the wall and injuring him to the point where flying was no longer possible, I told him that "His body will stay with the people, but his spirit will go with Eywa".

Then I crushed him with the fly-swatter.

Don Pablo's. Wow...

2010-07-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

I possibly ate the worst food that I've ever eaten tonight(at least since Columbia Heights High School lunch). Nell is going through a rough time, and since on numerous occasions she has told me that Don Pablo's is her favorite restaurant, I decided to bite the bullet. Take one for the team, so to speak.

In retrospect, I would have preferred to be kicked in the crotch. This food redefines terrible. My bowl of soup, which was a failed attempt by me to try to salvage SOME degree of healthiness from this doo-doo buffet, was easily the saltiest thing ever put in front of me. It reminded me of middle school when Shawnee Hunt used to distract a dude sitting across the lunch table from him, then dump a handful of salt in his food when he looked away. Only, there was no Shawnee Hunt...

Waupaca, 4th of July

2010-07-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

Didn't conviene with the entire crew this time, but we worked it out with what we had.

Oh, and here is Cory being truly busted looking at some boobs. He isn't even smooth enough to wipe that look off his face while peeping.

First of the season!

2010-06-24T13:23:00.001-07:00

I'll have to admit, I was becoming a bit concerned by the utter lack of these nasty grey shit goblins in the yard so far. I mean, we have perhaps the nicest garden in NE! Its like bait, I would think.

Look how civilized I am! Even had the courtesy to source a coffin for the undeserving little bastard.

Darksided

2010-06-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

Just a few short weeks after being escorted out of a Twins game by a handful of fake cops, I get arrested by real Stormtroopers. 35 is shaping up nicely!

RT

2010-05-10T17:31:00.000-07:00

I've always been cool with what I've known about Minneapolis' mayor. Now, I'll freely admit that I'm not the most knowledgeable when it comes to local politics. Besides the disgusting amount of beige architecture thats happened under his(and his predecessor's) watch, I feel like he is pretty legit for a politician. Seeing him at a parade a few days ago like this certainly didn't diminish his standing in my eyes...

Its like he's doing his best wu-tang! Despite this coolness, I once stopped going to a bar because I looked over my friend's shoulder and saw RT about 5 feet from away. Again, its not that I don't like him, its just that I'm not comfortable hanging out at a bar with the mayor quite yet.

Residence in decline.

2010-04-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

As I type this, this greasy shit-ball of disease is laying in front of the door at my last apartment. After I moved out, a friend of mine moved in. Apparently, he hasn't done a damn thing to maintain the level of safety that I once provided.

Don't get me wrong, though, this isn't the same classification as the normal shit-rat that I once rained death and destruction upon in the name of child welfare. No, this a problem of a much grander scale. Standard pellet guns don't do squat to a raccoon unless you were to get real, real lucky. I suggested a golf club. He called animal control.

I guess the point is I'm ashamed and embarrassed by my friend's behavior(or lack thereof). In only 7 months, the neighborhood that I once secured has apparently turned into some sort of shit-sanctuary. When the cats away...

1st Twins Game

2010-04-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

It took a while, but I finally made it to a game at the new Twins stadium. Besides it's name and the fact that most of it is beige, there really isn't anything about this place that is bad. And the food!

Below is what you see when you look up...

What in the HELL!?!?

2010-04-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

OK, I was going to try to ignore this incident in the name of freedom of expression or whatever, but really... what in the HELL?

*i'll explain the weed plant later...

This was the scene outside our doorstep at 12:01 on easter sunday. Its an old Russian Orthodox Church. I understand that the day is special to these particular believers as well as others, but what about the dude across the street who might be sleeping and couldn't give a flying fuck about said day?

Well, "Fuck him" say they. But they don't say as much with a whimper. Oh no, that would be more characteristic to their approach on, well, helping humanity progress forward. Instead, they do it in a swashbuckling, gay Megatron-ish, give-us-your-attention-and-prepare-to-burn-in-Hell fashion... and its complete with 15+ minutes of the loudest goddamn bells I've ever bore witness to. Incense, fire, walking around in fucking circles like well dressed zombies, terrible singing... its all there.

Now to the weed plant. Its just a marker that I stuck there(DUH!). Its sole purpose is to call your attention to the dude being pointed at by the bottom left leaf. I was going to go with an arrow or a circle, but somehow the weed plant seemed more appropriate. Here is that scene enlarged a bit...

This guy(who was of some goddamn importance in this fruit-fest) wouldn't stop murmuring shit and jumping around like an idiot. Also, the hands? Those fucking hands? What is with your goddamn hands, dude? As you can see, he has them up in the air either like he is doing the chicken dance or he's in a mosh pit.** I honestly have no idea what the fuck was with this guy. Well, at least he has a handful of impressionable kids around him. Jesus...

**i do believe this is the first time that the chicken dance and a mosh pit were used to describe the same thing.

The Classic NE Auto Show.

2010-04-10T08:51:00.000-07:00

As stated before, I never intended for this project to be about cars. But, like Mr. Leahy said... "When life throws you shit-balls, you've got to get a shit-bat".

The new roommate

2010-03-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

I wasn't for taking this little bastard in, but I was outvoted and it turns out that its not all about me. Fine.

My only criteria for him staying here, though, was that if it pisses on something besides cat litter, its fucking gone. Also, she was going to get a new name. There is not chance in hell that I was going to call a cat Mika(or Nika or whatever it was).

Behold... Ricky!

More NE.

2010-03-29T12:56:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to photograph this sign for about the last 2-3 years. Actually, I have photographed it in that time, but every one of those pictures has just sucked. But thanks to A-hole West photo customers that have neglected it due to its age, I now have a shift lens that makes this photo look the way I want it to. Thanks, dumb-asses!

And, I caught that same red truck from a few months ago, but on its naughty side...

Standing on the corner in a white Godfather hat.

2010-03-23T08:17:00.000-07:00

Ah, the block anchored by Jimmy's. Unquestionably, one of my favorite blocks in the whole goddamn city. If you want to know where it is, you should ask someone.

If this doesn't look like your idea of beautiful, thats OK. I can help you.

Uban's Part Deux

2010-03-06T08:17:00.000-08:00

Another week of not working means another week in the woods.

Drama-free relationship!

2010-03-01T09:04:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning out my emails this morning and stumbled on this attachment. Perhaps I need to start watching daytime TV.

Keith's 30th

2010-02-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

This post would've been a lot more interesting if Keith(seen below doing a shot in the hallway in order to escape his girlfriend's watchful eye) would have just trusted a dude...

...kidding dude. Happy birfday.

Crystal

2010-02-26T08:13:00.000-08:00

Now THIS is what a label should read like! Its so simple. Its easy to pronounce everything. Your grandparents would recognize everything on it. And, its made in America goddamnit!

Can it be that it was all so simple...

2010-02-24T20:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I attended a short happy hour with 2 friends that I've been lucky to know for about 8 years. We worked together for the last 3 days, and any gripes I've had in that time were definitely not because of them.

We differ, though, in that both of them are devout religious folk. They both have their reasons, and I never challenge them on their views(not that I couldn't/shouldn't). We have a happy, cordial stasis on that topic when working together.

Today was the first time that they found out that I REALLY WAS donating a kidney to a stranger. Because both of them are good people, they thought it was a beautiful thing. What irked me, though, was their personal insertion of their religion into my situation...my decision. They told me forthright that there was no possible way that I could be an Atheist/Agnostic and still do what I am doing. I had to be a spiritual person. A religious person.

See, like so many religious folk, they hold their version of morality as the archetype by which all others should be held accountable to. For so many, any act undertaken with pure benevolence has to be the result of a direct relationship with their god. Its just too difficult for them to comprehend good for Good's sake.

It was a long day, so I stayed quiet. I listened to them. I nodded my head. Not forward, in agreement, but sideways, in acceptance. It got me thinking, though, and thinking enough that I wanted to blog about something that I've been wanting to get off my chest for some time. Its not too heavy, not even my idea(I think), but I maintain that its worthy of writing about.

Here are some figures...

According to the Hartford Institute, there are roughly 335,000 religious congregations in the U.S., with an average size of 75 members. The vast majority of these follow the teachings of Jesus Christ(love thy neighbor and good will towards man and whatnot). There are approximately 70,000 people currently 'living' on dialysis for kidney failure/disease. Because of how humans have changed lifestyles in the last few thousand years, we only need one kidney to live a perfectly healthy life. Kidney transplant surgery is exceptionally safe and effective, and takes on average 6 weeks to fully recover from.

The only real drawback is that it costs the donor a lot of time and money thanks to our current health care system(best system in the world, right?). What if, though, those who think so highly of their religion's inherent compassion actually put actions to their venerable readings, to their incessant chanting? What if every congregation looked for one member who was willing to donate to a non-friend or a non-family member? Upon finding the willing participant, what if the congregation came together to emotionally and financially support the donor and their family? How quickly would that dialysis waiting-list be eradicated? How much better would the whole goddamn world be?

Of course, this would be a more plausible scenario if people were better educated on the subject(i.e. just because you have a daughter, dude, doesn't mean she matches your blood type). It would also be more realistic if religions taught people to REALLY care about each other instead of just doing, well, whatever the fuck it is that they are doing...

The Continentals

2010-02-15T20:23:00.000-08:00

I don't know what the deal is at this residence, but it seems that someone has a deep appreciation for Continentals. There is perpetually at least 2 of these cars, in this vintage, sitting outside on the street. Most likely, they are using the parts from the lot of them to make one super-Continental. I can imagine the neighbors consider it quite the pain in their ass. If so, fuck 'em. They're beautiful.

Audrey Marie

2010-02-08T20:54:00.000-08:00

One of my best friends in the world had a baby girl today. Audrey Marie... what a fucking knock-out.

Anyone who knows me at all also knows the way I feel about the sheer number of people in the world, and how I think population is possibly the only problem that humanity faces that could trump even religion. The real problem, though, is ignorant, ill-prepared adults who have think that because they are capable of producing litters, that they should.

This man, folks, is an example of what an adult SHOULD be before they get involved with something as serious as having a child. The mother is no different. The little girl will probably be the same.

I'd wish the happy couple 'good luck', but they won't need it...

The tourist thing.

2010-02-04T09:15:00.000-08:00

I've been to San Fran maybe 10 times in my life, and I've never once made it down to this part of the Golden Gate. In fact, I've never been to anywhere below street level near the bridge.

Shame on you, friends in SF.

Josephyne is NOT a tour guide.

2010-01-29T14:17:00.000-08:00

The woman is great, but we actually drove 40 minutes out of San Francisco on Wednesday for a "beautiful walk through a garden and farmland, ending on a beach". No shit, those were her words.

Oh, and we didn't even make it to the beach. I guess if nothing else, it was memorable.

Almost forgot, I'm famous!

2010-01-20T06:59:00.000-08:00

This is from last month's MN Monthly. Thats my fucking mug!

Here is the article...

Who's Making Money Now ... - Minnesota Monthly - January 2010 - Minneapolis, St. Paul, Minnesota

Also, when you've reach nearly unobtainable levels of stardom as I obviously have in this photo, you even get to keep the gold grill!

The Great Uban Shootout.

2010-01-16T08:41:00.000-08:00

While standing in a sea of outdoor man-jamas, Tiff and I made a last minute decision to join Aaron and Jenny in a trip up to Aaron's family cabin. Its a 10 acre area about 40 miles east of Superior, WI... perfect for dispatching a shit-ton of bullets into nature. Giving nature a lead salad, if you will.

Shoot guns, drink beer, walk around... kind of the way a trip to a real cabin should be. And a real cabin this is. No electricity, no indoor plumbing, no worries. Just keep the wood burning stove going and watch out for bears.

Springers

2010-01-15T12:51:00.000-08:00

I went over to the Spring Street about a week ago to take pictures of the aftermath of the employee party.

I've spent an incalculable about of time in this bar over the years. To be entirely honest, there are a TON of things that I don't even really like about it. The beer isn't the most pristine, the lighting sucks, I hate the jukebox... I could go on.

What it DOES have in spades, though, is good people. And its not just the employees, but most the regulars as well. Sometime it is perhaps the most integrated and engaged room full of people that I've been in outside of a college classroom or a hot game of dice. Normal barriers that people hold tend to fall when there. Obviously, it isn't always like this. Sometimes, its just a regular, foul-smelling bar with people minding their own and putting off going home with another drink. Other times, it just organically becomes the kind of place that so many others try to mimic these days. The newest incarnation of that forgery is Northeast Social Club. Their schtick is to set up a bar, and encourage people to talk to the guy next to you. Thats just fucking brilliant. Are they running a goddamn kindergarten? I wish I could say they were joking, as if people at bars down the street from them haven't been doing that for decades.

Sorry about that rant. Here is BJ. He's the hero, as he volunteered to be the only employee to work in order to keep the bar open on party night. Way to take one for the team dude.

The up side to editing.

2010-01-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

I don't want to rehash old crap, but I felt like doing something productive with my photos today so I started plowing through old folders. Editing, organizing, and discovering. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be out taking something new with the camera that I paid way too much for, but the thought of going outside on a day like this is just not that appealing. I think it hit -14 last night.

So, here are a couple things I found.

I love my Diana cameras. I love the complete lack of technical anything. Granted, mine takes 10 minutes to load, because I have to apply a liberal amount of gaff tape to the entire body to both keep it together and keep it almost light-tight. It also has a broken aperture ring, so I'm forced to shoot it wide open. This is fine with me as well, as it ensures an extra-terrible image quality.

I made room for it in my digital case today...

Loaf 'O Puke

2009-12-28T14:18:00.000-08:00

This is head cheese from Kramarczek's. If you don't know what head cheese is, its something that Eastern Europeans invented a long time ago in the very admirable quest to get everything possible out of their pigs.

The list of ingredients is short, and includes tongue, snout, and of course gelatin(how else would a guy make meat jelly?).

Gelatinous slices of meat jelly made from the left over parts of the pigs head. I had plans to try it as well as photograph it, but upon retouching the photo at 100%, I think thats going to have to be indefinitely postponed. I decided to include a nice close-up, so anyone unfortunate enough to read this post doesn't think I'm a complete patsy.

Another day in Paradise.

2009-12-19T14:30:00.000-08:00

A trip to the Knight Cap's Saturday meat raffle can be so very rewarding. Obviously, there is the opportunity to win quality products from a local butcher. Or, if your luck is like mine has been the last month, you're just donating cash to a good cause.

Or, if you keep your eyes open... REALLY open... you might be lucky enough to get a true grasp on some of the little idiosyncrasies that make a community what it is. I mean, what it REALLY is.

I guess I've been fortunate in that way as of late. Thats fucking splendid, cause I've been getting my ass kicked lately in the meat raffle.

Obento-YES!

2009-12-18T18:46:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I haven't rapped about food in a while. Its not that I've stopped eating or anything, nor have I stopped taking pictures. I'm just handling some other shit and a man has to have priorities.

This, actually, was from a couple of weeks ago. I've just been involved, so I kind of forgot to post it. When I stumbled across the photos today, I pretty much said "Fuck me that looks good!"... so I figured I might as well post them.

I guess I'm doing something right if my own photos can surprise me and make me hungry. That just never happens with squirrels and guns and whatnot...

This is not a chess piece.

2009-12-10T19:28:00.000-08:00

A large majority of my 3 readers are aware that I now live with 3 women. Jack Tripper ain't got shit on me. Overall, its a very genial living situation... very fucking spiffy.

As it were, though, all things are not without their failings. I found this occupying the space designated G4.

I didn't know what this was at first. Of course, with the disposition of mine as it is, and my priorities lying where they do, I thought it was a bullet. Maybe a new, awesome, street-legal squirrel annihilating motherfucker that can be shot out of something that my roommates bought me as an early christmas present. Something badass. Something that resembles this shit-canon.

Nope. It was a tampon...

Black Friday

2009-11-28T23:40:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm just satisfied that I got to put money towards something that I'll actually remember on this, the biggest shopping day of the year.

You: Shitty plastic Chinese electronic noise-making crap fucker.

Me: Parking, Pocket Wizard rental, four drinks, and the best goddamn right hand man that a guy with little money could ask for.

The painted women were just a bonus.

To do, or not to do.

2009-11-26T21:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not exactly in a financial position to be running out and dropping $200+ on an air rifle right now, but look at this fucking thing!

It may be an early x-mas for me. My gift would be a German-made, rodent killing machine par excellence. I could go into the specifics of this weapon, but that would be dorky. Also, it would distract from the real meaning of such a purchase. That meaning, of course, is not about killing squirrels or satisfying some sort of deranged blood-lust. Oh no. Its about community. Its about keeping our children safe. Its about a more prosperous future. We should consider it an investment into our commonwealth. An investment... in mankind.

The High Ground

2009-11-18T07:55:00.000-08:00

What do you see when you see this picture?

A large, sprawling tree? A typical NE alley yard in fall? Just a standard-ass neighborhood... nothing stands out?

Well, I see a neighborhood that, an hour ago, was made that much safer for it's residents.

If you look back at the first photo, you might also see an advantageous sniper position. Its actually taken from a screenless mini-window in my closet! From here on out, I'm referring to it as Mount Olympus. I shall stand upon it, alone if I must.

The Physical

2009-11-17T09:53:00.000-08:00

On Monday the 16th, I had my physical to see if I'm healthy enough to donate a kidney, and sane enough to know what I'm doing and what is involved. Its an involved process that they put non-directed donors through. When I say non-directed, I mean people like myself who want to donate a kidney but have no specified recipient of which they want to donate it to. The physical lasts 9 fucking hours.

Except for one last heart test, I passed.

I was going to see a lot of this over the corse of the day...

Blood tests up the arse.

Here are two of the many professionals that I established a relationship over the day. I haven't a bad thing to say about one of them.

Hiding my fear and pain behind a smile is one of my specialties. As is peeing into a cup.

Kneel!

2009-11-17T08:12:00.000-08:00

Far too long have I been without a blender. Over a month ago, mine crapped on me and thus, no sauces, soups, or salsa verde has been made through the best season of the year to make said food stuffs from scratch.

One trip through the Unique Thrift Store can change lives...

BEHOLD!! The 850 watt, $9 beast blender that shall henceforth be know only as Shit Rock!

Lost kidney blog.

2009-11-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

My 2 readers may remember a while back that I said something about donating a kidney. They may also remember that I said that I was going to blog about the whole process in hopes of bringing more attention to it and perhaps causing others to consider doing the same. Ah, those were the days...

Well, the plan is still in effect. Things have changed since then, though. At the time of that blog post, I was purely a non-directed donor with nothing but good intentions. With that post, I started telling people of my decision, and soon after started asking around to see if anyone I knew might know someone who needed one. Its at this point when things got, well, less romantic.

I could go into what has come to pass in great length. Instead, this e-mail that I just wrote will probably summarize it as well as anything I could now write. Its my second piece of correspondence with a man who is searching the country for his friend... a friend who needs a kidney that matches mine. It starts with me referencing a book he is writing about the process, as well as his desire to use a perspective of mine about 'playing god'.

So there, still in effect. The last thing I feel like I need to say is that I appreciate everyone who has had an opinion thus far on my decision. As for the Negative Nancys that I was referring to above? they're all friends and loved ones, and I think I know where their skepticism comes from as much or more than they do.

Ketchup

2009-11-10T16:57:00.000-08:00

Oh ketchup...

Many years ago, my friend Mike and I made a mutual declaration. As fellow ketchup lovers, we both asserted that we would gladly forgo 5 years of our lives if the alternative meant living a life without ketchup. As I get older and the sand at the bottom of the metaphorical hourglass which is my life ever gets deeper, I've changed my perspective some.

I'll say 4 years. 3.5 max.

Exhibit B-1

2009-11-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

So its Saturday. Beautiful day... flawless. Woke up early, got some work done on my computer, took my car to my parents and washed it under the perfect fall sun. I was even fortunate enough to eat a delicious, nutritious meal at the Modern with a good friend. Wow, everything is great, huh?

Yeah, thats until I attempt to top off this perfect day with a nice warm salt bath. I round the corner, and I see this...

Can you imagine the look on my fucking face?!?! I understand that a woman's hair falls out the same as everyone else's I even appreciate the effort taken by the offending party to keep this from clogging the drain. Neither of those notches on the yardstick of my rationality could prepare me, though, for what I assumed was an animal of shit-mongous proportions. Could have been a goddamn badger for all I knew. Or worse, that scandalous-ass creature who's name I shall not speak at the moment...

Fuck yeah!

2009-10-25T18:11:00.000-07:00

So I meet this guy named Eric West a few weeks ago. Total renaissance man. We hit it off pretty well, and at some point he tells me that he has a motorcycle he wants to give me. Of course, I instantly forgot all about that and continued on with my life. Then he drops it on me again last week. Now this is sitting in the driveway.

I'm pretty sure that it needs very little. A little engine tuning. A new rear tire. A different seat. And, for christ's sake, some different bars. How were those ever cool looking?

New neighborhood... same rules.

2009-10-25T14:35:00.000-07:00

Squirrels are squirrels, no matter what part of the city you're in. I vow to continue my campaign of cleaning up the streets and making the neighborhood safe for children by shooting as many of these motherfuckers as possible.

In my new neighborhood, there appears to be less shit bats than at my previous place. Perhaps I've just been missing them. Perhaps they received a memo from other squirrels to look out for the tall Irish/Polish/Norwegian motherfucker sticking his head out of random windows. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm not alone in this war. Maybe, hopefully, someone else out here cares about their city enough to do what needs to be done, as disturbing as it can be at times.

A word to anyone who views me with disgust for shooting these pieces of shit. Immediately after killing this thing, 2 more came to the scene. This was new to me. I felt fortunate, though, for obvious reasons. Was I going to get 3 in one day? Well, for whatever reason, I decided to observe the enemy for a while instead of shooting them. What I witnessed next was at once both educational and horrific. I saw one of the remaining squirrels attack the lifeless body of his fallen comrade.

Under what code of morality would this be acceptable? None, thats what. These are evil creatures...

What the Hell!

2009-10-24T06:39:00.000-07:00

Eric, myself, and the royal women-folk in the 1700 household went to Jimmy's last night. I went home early, and in my slumber, I got a text message from Tiffany that read "make us some food manly man bitch". Unacceptable. When I awoke, I busted up her sleep only to find this...

What in the fuck? Am I the only one that finds this crazy? I you look closely and take inventory, you will find the following...

1 box of tissues
1 iPhone/charger
1 computer
1 giant fucking purse
1 jacket w/furry thing attached
1 unrecognizable black thing
1 paper bag

Hey Tiffany, I think I see some extra room that we can pile some more shit on the next time you fall asleep.

Sunday at bar (x)...

2009-10-18T22:05:00.000-07:00

I finally made it to (x) on a Sunday morning. Many Sundays have I planned on going here, as they have a very special thing going. For the last 27-29 years, the owner of this establishment has been buying 100+ White Castles and handing them out for free every Sunday morning while all the good people of this fine country are at church, recanting their sins or something.

He has a plaque on the wall, from White Castle, signifying his patronage. He is also in the White Castle Hall of Fame. Who knew there even was such a thing...

Not my sock.

2009-10-18T17:02:00.000-07:00

This is not my sock. I don't know whose sock it is, but it its not mine.

I found it in my laundry. These are the things that I can expect to see more of as my new living situation/journey evolves.

A New Chapter

2009-10-18T08:05:00.000-07:00

I moved. Again. It seems like I have made moving a yearly thing. This time, though, promises to be different. This time, I'm living with two women. What have I done...

Actually, so far its been great. Both of my roommates are highly enjoyable, interesting, and adult people. They are also pretty goddamn hot, which is kind of a perk. We landed a 4 bedroom Victorian in my absolute favorite part of NE Minneapolis... 2 blocks from Jimmy's. The house is great, the landlord is nice, the disposal is fucking hi-tech, the window in my closet(sniper position #1) is perfect for killing squirrels, our furniture worked perfect... its just a pretty good situation all around.

There is a problem, though. Actually, there will be a problem. At least for my roommates, at some point. See, I'm used to either living alone, or with a dude who rarely woke up before noon. I don't like clothes on when I sleep. None. When I wake up, I tend to be on autopilot for the first 45 seconds or so, or however long it takes me to get to the bathroom. Here lies the problem for my roommates. One of these days, one of them will be up early, minding their own business and WHAM!... there's me in all my un-glory. Surely not the way they will want to start their day.

This, dear reader, is another issue we will be exploring. This is hair... Tiffany's hair. Tiffany's hair is beautiful, yes, but its also fucking everywhere. At least it seems like it to a guy who has had a crew cut for the last 15 years. Anyway, I'm going to be documenting it. This is Exhibit A.

Stasis

2009-10-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

It seems like no matter what I do, I'm going to be forever burdened by circumstances that want to deny me of quality, reliable internet access. Whether it be roommates who don't seem up to be up to the task of staying on top of ONE bill, or technical problems that I have no idea how to remedy... the forces that be just don't want me online.

So yeah, I haven't been on top of my blog as of late. I haven't been keeping up with my email as of late. I'm having trouble changing over my bills. I'm not wasting nearly enough time online...

Here, though is a picture from one of my last showers in my former place. What every excellent house needs is a ledge of some sort in the shower.

Last goddamn game in the dome?

2009-09-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

I've stated before that I can't stand the goddamn Metrodome because its true. As this may have been my last baseball game ever attended there, I figure I could at least send it off with a proper kick to the crotch.

Yes, I've had many good times there in my life, as well as seen many good games. I can't fucking stand when people get all sentimental(and I stress the mental) and feel the need to keep bringing up said good times as a reason I should respect the dome more than I do. As if those times somehow owed part of their being good to the dome. As if those times wouldn't have been jillions of times better in an outdoor stadium.

So, fuck it.

I have been fortunate to be able to attend quite a few games with Jeff in the last two years in his bitchin' season tickets. He was packing the kids this time. Despite what it looks like by this photo of me, they kept us in line.

Most effective weight loss program ever?

2009-09-14T20:11:00.001-07:00

I've been engaged in the process of becoming a live kidney donor for the last 7-8 weeks now. I've filled out a grip of paper work, talked to a half dozen people on the phone, and passed my initial blood tests. I'm not sure, but I think this puts me about half way through the process.

So far, I'm signed up as a Non-Directed donor. This means that as of yet, I don't have anyone specifically to give my kidney to(kinda sad, huh?). Actually, this is kind of bullshit, though, because there are currently over 70,000 people who are slowly dying whilst on kidney dialysis. So unless someone I know has a friend or loved one in need, it'll be going to the next possible match on that long-ass list.

Next up is a Nov. 16th appointment at Fairview for an 8 hour physical complete with a psychological screening. I guess you could say that this is where its going to get really interesting.

I'm planning on making a separate blog about this whole experience, complete with photos of myself getting put through the whole goddamn ringer. Hopefully, I'll do the experience justice. Hopefully, the experience gets someone else thinking about doing the same thing.

Long weekend, day 3

2009-09-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention in my previous post that I went to Lebowski Fest the day before that. I don't have extended party weekends as much as I used to, but this one seemingly dropped out of heaven. A couple of years previous, and I may not have had the wherewithal to cut it off at 6 PM on Sunday. Its a new day, though, and thankfully I put an end to this shit before it got out of hand.

I was lucky enough to get time with some salt-of-the-earth motherfuckers this weekend. Here are a few of them, as well as some women who I don't know but couldn't deny.

The NE Mpls Mustache Bar Tour

2009-09-14T18:18:00.000-07:00

Eric G put on the his first bar crawl on Saturday. The itinerary went NE Palace-Grumpy's-JIMMY'S-Knight Cap-Mayslack's-the fucking bullshit 331-and The Spring Street(excellent place to sober up!). Eric's only stipulation was that you rock a 'stache. Dressing up on top of that was encouraged, but not necessary.

This is Eric, and this was his party.

Alright, I don't know who this chick that tagged along with us is, but I do know that she was SUPER drunk, and kind of annoying. Annoying enough to be immortalized with this greezy photo on the interwebs.

Bewitched

2009-09-01T21:37:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to take a picture of this sandwich for some time. These people do a bitchin' job at sandwiches... period. They make their own pastrami, which I'm still not sure if I love or not because of how unbelievably different it is from the $.79 Buddig sandwich meat packs that I used to eat as a kid.

God I wish this place had tables and walls and whatnot that were as good and as beautiful as their food. Those tables looked like Panera rejects. They look like $49.95 Target end cap specials.

Obviously, there is a shit ton of meat on this warlock of a sandwich. I ate it, though. All of it. I felt like I was 8 months pregnant with a pastrami baby.

Shooting the elusive bar cougar

2009-09-01T07:27:00.000-07:00

I think every bar worth its salt should have one of these fuckers. Better yet, every shitty bar should put one of these up, thus giving folks like myself something to look at while we're hating our time at said shitty bar.

Tutorial: How a Man Dies

2009-08-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

The link I'm providing here has nothing to do with political affiliation or persuasion of any sort. The truth is, this man is reminiscent to me of numerous people, even things, witnessed and experienced in my life. I was just too accustomed to them being around. I never stopped to appreciate their value, their relevance, their goddamn moxie. Actually, in most cases I was just too young and/or stupid, but thats neither here nor their after it all comes to pass, isn't it?

This, folks, is a man who isn't scared to face the end.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/27/us/politics/27year.html?hp=&pagewanted=all

OK, I know what you're thinking. A real man of 2009 might know how to make a link work from his own fucking blog. Accept me for the tech-challenged man that I am, and go read some goddamned Churchill or Twain or something... watch Rambo, I don't care.

The Whiskey Reduxer

2009-08-27T05:44:00.000-07:00

I had a Jameson and a High Life a few months back. Big surprise, right? Anyway, I took a quick, unplanned photo of them before I proceeded. I had my Nikon with me, but like I said, it was unplanned and Jimmy's isn't exactly the brightest place you can get a drink. So, I set my camera at a REALLY high ISO, took a few snaps, and loved the result so much so that that shot has been lingering in my picks for my nearly finished food portfolio.

I thought about it yesterday morning, though, and figured it would be folly to not go back to Jimmy's in the middle of the day when its slow, and try it again for real. The bartender J.J. liked the idea and was more than helpful. Shit, he even gave me a stand in whiskey-looking drink to use while I was finding my angle.

So the new one is on the right...

For the sake of upholding mine and J.J.'s rigid standards of truth in advertising, we decided to go with real whiskey for the photo. It had a life after hollywood.

Jennie's Big Special Day.

2009-08-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

Jennie had been planning this day off for 2 wweeks. The only stipulation was Jimmy's. Easy enough.

After a while, I decided to go over to Hannahville and have him cut my hair. This would be the first time in, I don't know, 15 years that someone besides myself has done this. Dan Hannah is a special dude, and his operation is anything but typical.

Vintage lovin' 2

2009-08-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

I'm not one for posting old photos just because they might bling out my fucking blog, but I'm doing anyway right now. I was searching through a hard drive to find a different photo when I found this on accident. I've always loved this photo, but I can't exactly say why.

As far as I can tell, this may be the first photo that I ever took that was worth a shit. I took it 12 years ago, right when I started taking photos. My dad gave me the camera(Pentax Spotmatic) a couple years earlier, but I only used it to photograph this girls ass once. Thats not creepy like you're thinking right now, because she later became my girlfriend of 5 years.

So yeah, I think this is my first cool picture. Lucky as hell, obviously, but cool.

Food project gets 1,000 volts straight to the groin!

2009-08-12T19:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm broke right now. Not much has changed since my trip to the tax persons. Actually, I no longer get mail from the IRS, so I guess thats progress.

Whatever the case, I've been about 3/4 of the way to having enough images to put together a food portfolio that I can be proud of. I've been putting it off lately, but I woke up with some inspiration today and said fuck it, I'm going for a double.

Started at Tanpopo in St. Paul at 11 AM. Japanese noodle place that I've eaten at maybe 5 times prior(including the day before today). Its never been anything but outstanding.

This needs to be said. I've eaten 3 times in the last 3 days in St. Paul. This is not normal for me... I'm a 612er. I imagine that this is what it would feel like to cheat on your girlfriend.

As 3 PM rolled around, I went for a snack at the new restaurant in the Guthrie. I'm not usually one to get seafood in this city, but its Tim McKee's new baby, and I'm pretty sure that guy could take Lucky Charms and milk and somehow make it better than you could.

Yeah, it was as good as I hoped. Looking at my would-be portfolio now, I see that this is the second time I shot a Prawns. Super fucking stupid. Guess I'll have to go back.

A real American awesome weekend.

2009-08-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

I had an exceptionally good weekend of weather, friends, sleep, and everything else that means jack shit. I even got to go see G.I. Joe!

Given the circumstances and my history with Hasbro(G.I. Joe in particular), I am glad I went to see the movie and would do it again given the same situation.

In other words... holy fuck that movie sucked some ASS!

Why I love booze.

2009-08-02T17:39:00.000-07:00

This video was, is, and always will be one of my all time favorites. I can only imagine the amount of liquor that led these two into thinking that moving a stump with a bike was a good idea.

I love it when the shirt comes off!

Lush

2009-08-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

This place just opened in an old machine shop right across Central Ave from where I live. This proximity is important for reasons that I will explain. Its a new gay-friendly bar/restaurant/club... apparently with a heavy emphasis on club. This is cool because now, my once sleepy corner of Central has upped its fun factor from one old standard bar(Vegas Lounge) to three places. Tickles is the other joint, and thats a gay piano bar that is actually not nearly as gay as 'Tickles, the gay piano bar' makes it sound.

Geiger and I decided to go check out brunch here today and man, all I can say is that everything just fucking sucked. Except the cool looking ice. They spent the money for one of those specialty wiz-bang ice machines that all the fashionable cocktail places are using. And since I'm a sucker for shit like that, I actually don't mind paying an extra buck for pretty ice in my cocktail.

Anyway, like I said, everything just sucked. I won't hold it against them, though, they have only been open for like 48 hours.

The only thing I'm worried about with this place is parking. Due to the whole proximity to my house thing, and their tiny parking lot, there is bound to be some overflow into my street. Thats fine and all, but this is a neighborhood with families and other people who are just not generally accustomed to hordes of drunken club dudes wandering around their yards. And this has NOTHING to do with them being young drunk GAY dudes. It has to do with them being YOUNG DRUNK gay DUDES. Ask any older, civilized gay man... they'll tell you that a drunk dude is a drunk dude is a drunk dude.

More Pyka time...

2009-08-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

...but not enough. I wish I could have spent more time firing around with the little bugger, because she lives far away. Once again, though, money and the pursuit thereof interferes with what is actually important in life. At least I had fun with the time I was allotted, I guess.

Pyka and I for life!

2009-07-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

I took dozens of photos of my niece in the last few days that I would be proud to post. This isn't a cute baby blog, though, and none of them could ever sum up how I feel about her more than the one that Justin took of us together.

The battle rages on...

2009-07-27T18:56:00.000-07:00

I'll have to sit on the porch during the day and watch movies more often! I assumed that the fuckers would hang low on a hot, sunny day like this. So, so wrong, Kelly. So wrong.

This dude took one epic ride to his demise. I caught him crossing from one tree to another. I didn't see him fall, but I sure as hell heard it! He hit my neighbors moving truck right on the cab. It sounded like some sort of super shit gong. BONG! It was all I could do to sit there for a while and act like I didn't just get another bitchin' kill, but I had to put the gun away and be cool... just in case. Then he crawled to damn near the exact middle of the street and died... very Wild West like little buddy!

A little while later I got a lock on another one. Couldn't pull the trigger, though, because 2 women were walking down the sidewalk. Here is the fucked up part of this shit story, though. When they saw the squirrel, they called him by NAME!(skuggins or smuggins or schluggins... who cares, right?). Then they fucking asked him what he was doing hanging out by a tree that wasn't his! Oh my god, it seems like I have some serious work to do on the PR side, as well as with the body count. Whatever though, cause I'm an uncle now and I do this shit for the kids.

6 month old baby kickin' it poolside!

2009-07-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

My niece Pyka is in town from Colorado. Last time I posted a picture of her, she was about the size of a fishing lure. Now, she's a pretty burly chick! Tall and svelte, just like her favorite Uncle Kelly.

We're going to kick SO much ass together when she is old enough to drive.

Johnson!

2009-07-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, we were driving down Hennepin when Jeff yells "Shit, Kelly, I just saw your costume for this Halloween!". So we turn around and stop outside the costume rental place. At first, I didn't see what he was referring to, but I also didn't consider the contents of their dumpster as an option.

Jeff did.

Have fun with your new Scabies dude.

Zombie Apocalypse

2009-07-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

Here is the scenario. The Zombie Apocalypse happens tonight. 99.9% of the populace becomes the traditional, slow-moving zombies. You are one of the survivors. You get 3 weapons right off the get go. Ammo is virtually unlimited for the first few days as you get your shit together and figure out how to progress in your new reality.

What weapons would you take?

This seemingly absurd question(as well as many related to it) has been on my mind for weeks. I can't seem to shake it. I'm positive that I'm getting on my coworkers nerves by now. I hope that by confronting this on my blog, it will have a cathartic effect, and I can put the issue to rest.

That having been said, here are my pics.

From left to right we have the M4 Carbine, a Mack 10, and a goddamn American-made Louisville Slugger.

The M4(with the grenade launcher of course) would hopefully be my most used weapon. If this is so, it means I'm keeping the walking dead grizzly whores where I should be keeping them... far away.

The Mack 10 was suggested by my friend Eric. Its a brilliant close range option. If they get in that 15 ft range(they will, they're ZOMBIES!), I can peel off like 19 .45 rounds a second and deliver exploded heads in waves.

Inevitably, though, I'm going to reload. Occasionally, a zombie will get too close for me to take chances with. Out comes the trusty Louisville Slugger. Others chose samurai swords, axes, etc... all acceptable. Personally, though, I love the romance of the Slugger. America may be a land of the walking dead ex-Pats, but that doesn't mean that I can't hold onto a little piece of patriotism.

I encourage you all to invest some time in thinking about this subject. After all, Jacko just died and one could view that as a sign.

You may even want to pretend to be a zombie once and a while. Its always prudent to know your enemy.

Cumberland and Waupaca

2009-07-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure I'm spelling Waupaca right, but life goes on. I didn't really get around to posting some of the photos that I wanted to from vacation and these will probably be the last of them. Hopefully, I'll have fresher stuff coming and I'll forget all about this stuff.

Waupaca is such a bitchin hotbed of hedonism. OK, not really, but even on this, the worst year(weather wise) of the past many, we still did what was necessary to make loveable asses out of ourselves. And check out this sign!

Where other than Wisconsin will you see this sign TWICE in the same goddamn town?!?! They're fucking ORDERING you to drink beer!

Hennepin Ave Bridge

2009-07-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

This goddamn Grainbelt Beer sign is one of the most recognizable outposts of NE Mpls. For anyone with class, this is like a beacon of wonderful, pure light when exiting the godforsaken, loathsome, repugnant area known as downtown Minneapolis.

This sign used to be a respected icon of the city. Unfortunately, for all the great things that come with living in a liberal metropolis, there are also some detestable examples of overreaching.

This sign USED to be lit up on the side opposite of this photo. Some 'morally correct' people decided that it was a bad example for our children or whatever. Unfortunately, they had enough clout to pull the plug on it so it is no longer lit at night. Good thing, too, because I'm sure that this unique specter of the city's history was enough to push scores of otherwise perfectly christian members of our great society to fall off the moral cliff of righteousness and into the valley of deprivation, drunkenness, and pure evil.

As a personal and silent protest, I'm not taking a single photo of the business side of this fucking sign until the lights are back on.

And heres the fucking mighty Mississippi... free from my angst and just down the road.

Vintage lovin'

2009-07-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

As I've said before, this project has shifted from what I originally intended it to be. I'm fine with that. I won't lie though, at this point in time I seem to be looking for shitty cars... and nothing else. I shouldn't say shitty cars, either... shame on me. These are mostly old cars. Rusty cars. Weathered cars. Certainly not shitty cars, though. They're 20+ years old, and are still being used by their loving owners as transportation. So it kinda irritates me when people talk shit about these things. They look BETTER with age. Try saying that about your Saturn. Or your Ford Focus. Or your goddamn golden-shit colored PT Cruiser. You can't. You know why? Cause those rolling pieces of doo-doo won't last that fucking long.

Fuck your couch.