Pyka and I for life!

I took dozens of photos of my niece in the last few days that I would be proud to post. This isn't a cute baby blog, though, and none of them could ever sum up how I feel about her more than the one that Justin took of us together.

The battle rages on...

I'll have to sit on the porch during the day and watch movies more often! I assumed that the fuckers would hang low on a hot, sunny day like this. So, so wrong, Kelly. So wrong.



This dude took one epic ride to his demise. I caught him crossing from one tree to another. I didn't see him fall, but I sure as hell heard it! He hit my neighbors moving truck right on the cab. It sounded like some sort of super shit gong. BONG! It was all I could do to sit there for a while and act like I didn't just get another bitchin' kill, but I had to put the gun away and be cool... just in case. Then he crawled to damn near the exact middle of the street and died... very Wild West like little buddy!

A little while later I got a lock on another one. Couldn't pull the trigger, though, because 2 women were walking down the sidewalk. Here is the fucked up part of this shit story, though. When they saw the squirrel, they called him by NAME!(skuggins or smuggins or schluggins... who cares, right?). Then they fucking asked him what he was doing hanging out by a tree that wasn't his! Oh my god, it seems like I have some serious work to do on the PR side, as well as with the body count. Whatever though, cause I'm an uncle now and I do this shit for the kids.

6 month old baby kickin' it poolside!

My niece Pyka is in town from Colorado. Last time I posted a picture of her, she was about the size of a fishing lure. Now, she's a pretty burly chick! Tall and svelte, just like her favorite Uncle Kelly.



We're going to kick SO much ass together when she is old enough to drive.

Johnson!

A couple of days ago, we were driving down Hennepin when Jeff yells "Shit, Kelly, I just saw your costume for this Halloween!". So we turn around and stop outside the costume rental place. At first, I didn't see what he was referring to, but I also didn't consider the contents of their dumpster as an option.

Jeff did.



Have fun with your new Scabies dude.

Zombie Apocalypse

Here is the scenario. The Zombie Apocalypse happens tonight. 99.9% of the populace becomes the traditional, slow-moving zombies. You are one of the survivors. You get 3 weapons right off the get go. Ammo is virtually unlimited for the first few days as you get your shit together and figure out how to progress in your new reality.

What weapons would you take?

This seemingly absurd question(as well as many related to it) has been on my mind for weeks. I can't seem to shake it. I'm positive that I'm getting on my coworkers nerves by now. I hope that by confronting this on my blog, it will have a cathartic effect, and I can put the issue to rest.

That having been said, here are my pics.



From left to right we have the M4 Carbine, a Mack 10, and a goddamn American-made Louisville Slugger.

The M4(with the grenade launcher of course) would hopefully be my most used weapon. If this is so, it means I'm keeping the walking dead grizzly whores where I should be keeping them... far away.

The Mack 10 was suggested by my friend Eric. Its a brilliant close range option. If they get in that 15 ft range(they will, they're ZOMBIES!), I can peel off like 19 .45 rounds a second and deliver exploded heads in waves.

Inevitably, though, I'm going to reload. Occasionally, a zombie will get too close for me to take chances with. Out comes the trusty Louisville Slugger. Others chose samurai swords, axes, etc... all acceptable. Personally, though, I love the romance of the Slugger. America may be a land of the walking dead ex-Pats, but that doesn't mean that I can't hold onto a little piece of patriotism.

I encourage you all to invest some time in thinking about this subject. After all, Jacko just died and one could view that as a sign.

You may even want to pretend to be a zombie once and a while. Its always prudent to know your enemy.

Cumberland and Waupaca

I'm not sure I'm spelling Waupaca right, but life goes on. I didn't really get around to posting some of the photos that I wanted to from vacation and these will probably be the last of them. Hopefully, I'll have fresher stuff coming and I'll forget all about this stuff.



Waupaca is such a bitchin hotbed of hedonism. OK, not really, but even on this, the worst year(weather wise) of the past many, we still did what was necessary to make loveable asses out of ourselves. And check out this sign!



Where other than Wisconsin will you see this sign TWICE in the same goddamn town?!?! They're fucking ORDERING you to drink beer!

Hennepin Ave Bridge

This goddamn Grainbelt Beer sign is one of the most recognizable outposts of NE Mpls. For anyone with class, this is like a beacon of wonderful, pure light when exiting the godforsaken, loathsome, repugnant area known as downtown Minneapolis.

This sign used to be a respected icon of the city. Unfortunately, for all the great things that come with living in a liberal metropolis, there are also some detestable examples of overreaching.



This sign USED to be lit up on the side opposite of this photo. Some 'morally correct' people decided that it was a bad example for our children or whatever. Unfortunately, they had enough clout to pull the plug on it so it is no longer lit at night. Good thing, too, because I'm sure that this unique specter of the city's history was enough to push scores of otherwise perfectly christian members of our great society to fall off the moral cliff of righteousness and into the valley of deprivation, drunkenness, and pure evil.

As a personal and silent protest, I'm not taking a single photo of the business side of this fucking sign until the lights are back on.

And heres the fucking mighty Mississippi... free from my angst and just down the road.

Vintage lovin'

As I've said before, this project has shifted from what I originally intended it to be. I'm fine with that. I won't lie though, at this point in time I seem to be looking for shitty cars... and nothing else. I shouldn't say shitty cars, either... shame on me. These are mostly old cars. Rusty cars. Weathered cars. Certainly not shitty cars, though. They're 20+ years old, and are still being used by their loving owners as transportation. So it kinda irritates me when people talk shit about these things. They look BETTER with age. Try saying that about your Saturn. Or your Ford Focus. Or your goddamn golden-shit colored PT Cruiser. You can't. You know why? Cause those rolling pieces of doo-doo won't last that fucking long.





Fuck your couch.

NOT Kelly Loverud day.

Let me start by saying that I accidentally got REALLY liquored up last night. I caught up with a friend over some beers and the shit just continued and continued and then spiraled the fuck down hill.

So I started my day this morning in the hole big time. I forged ahead, though, cause I knew that things were only going to get better.

Wrong.



Can you fucking believe the size of the rip in my FAVORITE GODDAMN PAIR OF SHORTS?!?! Of corse this shit happened within an hour of my 10 hour work day, so I could walk around all day showing my undies to anyone unfortunate enough to look in my direction. I'm sure the clients loved it. Very professional Kelly, you douche bag.

But hey, my hangover finally went away at around 5 o'clock. So what better way to celebrate that then by sticking my head into a ceiling fan? Right? Yeah!



This was taken about 45 seconds after it got me. I would have taken another photo after it swelled up and started to look really ugly, but I had a new headache and I was no longer in a fucking around mood. Plus I had a dude named Dan O mending my wound with some sort of spray glue. Dan O's only qualification for this is that he is on a hockey team. I'm looking forward to the inevitable scar.

NE from above.

This is the view of NE Minneapolis from the west side of the river. I'm fortunate enough to have a friend who has a condo over yonder, and there is nothing I enjoy more than enjoying the view of my home from above.



When I sit on this porch, I feel like that dude Sauromon from Lord of the Rings, Two Towers... but instead of lording over a bunch of orcs and goblins, I'm lording over a bunch of meat raffles and pull tabs and shitty hair and what not.

4 AM

Again, more after-bar shenanigans as we decided to break out the Misfits masks. It started innocently enough, with us just taking off some clothes and searching for weapons. Eventually, of course, we(I) decided it would be funny to post up on the side of a country road with a sickle, chain, and some beer... and wait for a car to come by.



A car never drove by in a half of an hour. We took photos instead.

Kate's posse

My old friend Kate brought her kids up to Cumberland for the first leg of our vacation. She reminded me that I'm a dick because they only live an hour away, but I haven't seen them in about 2 years. As if I need reminding. Kate, you'll be happy to know that I have plenty of people reminding me of that... and on a regular basis.

Cole


Ben


Dog

Chicken Fried Seth

Yeah, its been a while since I rapped about anything. When this dude goes on vacation, though, this dude GOES ON VACATION.

And I'm sorry that my first post in weeks has to be this photo of Seth. It was the first notably fucked thing that happened on my vacation.



After we got home from the bar on our first night in Wisconsin, we did some brainstorming and came up with a list of names to describe Seth's back. Here they are, and in no particular order...

Epidermal Buffet
Snack Back
Skinitos
DNA Roll-Ups
Sun Yuns
BBQ Rotisserie Back Slab
Skin Jim
Skingles
Trail Back
Baby Back Back
Peel and Eat Seth